Several months ago, I proclaimed The Crow: City of Angels to be the most broken, busted, bomb of a video game to have ever been released. How could I not? The controls were a mess of slow reactions, slow moving and slow response all around. The game looked deplorable, with no true lighting effects. There was absolutely nothing going for this game, from how it played, to the fact that it eve exists. Playing thousands of video games throughout my life, I was pretty sure I had just played the absolute worst of the worst. There’s couldn’t be anything more broken, more blasphemous than The Crow: City of Angels. Not way.

Sadly, there might just be one title that can stand toe to toe in the neck high pile of virtual sloth and trash — The Amazing Spider-Man 2 on the Nintendo Game Boy.

Oh, and guess who had a hand in it? Our friends at LJN!

But there’s a catch — this game is so bad, so busted and broken, that LJN didn’t even dare plaster their logo within the beginning credits. Only a small text piece will display their connection to this abomination. After City of Angels, how could anything be considered this painful?

Lets start with the very first scree of the game. It’s hideous. Spider-Man looks more like Iron Man with almost no color variation to him, even for a Game Boy title. The first interior section you spawn into looks absolutely dreadful. You can barely tell where to go at any point. Can you jump downward, or is that area truly blocked off? How do I get out? Once you get out, thing look even further convoluted, with unclear objectives and instant death if you go too far. The sound has no redeeming qualities to it, offering some horrendous effects and pitiful musical pieces. At least with the previous title you had a pretty stellar rendition of the Spider-Man theme song. With The Amazing Spider-Man 2, there’s absolutely nothing worth listening to.

$10 to the person that can explain what is going on in this screen cap. $20 more if you can figure out how to even do this properly.

After all of the previous shortcomings being so tremendously flawed, its hard to fathom anything worse, but there is — the controls. You once again have the delayed punch attacks that take over a second from button press to the attack landing. You have a jump kick that requires you to hold down the jump button, with the kick coming out towards your descent. It’s nearly impossible to land a jump kick on anyone. Double jumping is performed by spamming the jump button, which even that won’t work all of the time. Web swinging is imprecise and just about useless. Combine these controls with a convoluted world around you, and you’ll experience the absolute most frustrating gameplay ever in a video game.

It’s a wonder that the amount of garbage that LJN developed or published, didn’t lead to another video game crash. The Amazing Spider-Man 2 on the Game Boy represents everything that LJN stood for — monopolizing a legitimate source of excellent gaming opportunities (Marvel), shoveling complete garbage out at a constant rate with absolutely no quality control in place. While it’s debatable whether The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is worse than The Crow: City of Angels, there’s no doubt that they are both the cream of the crap.

Rating: 0.0

Let me start by saying that I love Capcom games.  I need to make that very clear.  I absolutely LOVE Capcom.  They’ve been behind some of my favorite game series growing up and they continue to pump them out today with titles like Mega Man 10, Super Street Fighter 4, Monster Hunter Tri, and the upcoming Marvel vs Capcom 3.  But with all those great games, many less established titles fall to the wayside.  The undersold and under appreciated gem Gotcha Force is just one of these many great titles.

Released on December 3, 2003, Gotcha Force didn’t receive a whole lot of press and ended up selling fairly poorly to mixed reviews.  I first heard of the game when I was flipping through a copy of Nintendo Power and saw an ad for it.  The main characters, Kou and his robotic partner G Red, were leaping out of a red sunburst background with their fists pumped and a sword held high.  There were pictures of tiny brightly colored robots firing lasers and swinging swords at each other, and an image of massive robot dragon descending onto the battle field.  At the time I thought it looked a bit kiddie, but I was intrigued.  Months later out of the blue I found a copy at the local Gamestop for 20 bucks.  How could I pass up on that?  I had to see what this game was actually like and it was worth every penny spent.

The story of Gotcha Force is pretty simple.  Boy meets robot.  Robot meets boy.  Boy and robot team up with other kids and their Borg partners to stop an evil army of machines from conquering the planet.  It’s nothing amazing, but it’s only there to give you a reason to get into the meat of the game, the combat.  Combat in Gotcha Force is fast, frenetic, and all kinds of fun.  The fights are mission based and usually involve either teaming up with mission specific AI partners or fighting groups of themed enemies, like squads of fire-based Borgs, Borgs that can fly, a squad of combining transformers and more.  As you complete missions you earn new Borgs and more space to add fighters to your team.

Combat is played in open arenas set in forests, parks, and even bedrooms.  After all, the Borgs are only a few inches tall.  You control the first Borg on your team alone or with a partner to fight waves of enemies.  If that Borg is defeated, then the next one on your team spawns and so on until your final fighter goes down.  Fighting is simple with every Borg having a handful of attacks designated to the B and X buttons, but the attacks will vary from Borg to Borg.  Some will have one attack that will act as a projectile when the target is far away, but becomes a melee attack when the opponent is closer.  They might also have stronger charged attacks that require holding down the attack button until the meter has filled before unleashing a devastating special move.  Playing around with each Borg you come across opens up new ways to fight opponents and new options for team combinations.

There is HUGE amount of customization to be had with your team, since there are over 200 available Borgs that all bring their own strengths and weaknesses into the fray.  There are the Knight Borgs which are slow but strong with huge health pools and the ability to defend frontal attacks with their shield.  Or, if speed is more your game, there are the Ninja Borgs who move incredibly fast and can dodge like no other, but will quickly get ripped apart with a few strong attacks.  There’s also the Gun Borgs and Girl Borgs that specialize in long range combat with all sorts guns, lasers, bombs and other ordinance.  And that’s just the tip of the iceberg with a slew of Borgs that can fly, throw swords, stop time, transform, shrink enemies, and even launch nukes.

Gotcha Force also has a multiplayer mode if you have some friends who want to get down and battle.  Multiplayer can be played up to 4 players or as 1 if you just want to fight against CPU opponents.  Matches can be set with a timer and restrictions can be put on how large you can make your team.  Multiplayer battles can be a real test of your battling skills when you have a group of friends who really know how to bring their skills to the table.  The right Borgs in the right hands can be devastating and it can take a lot of effort to take down a human player.

Now the game obviously isn’t perfect.  There is very little to do outside grinding through battles to collect new Borgs.  The game tries to counter this by opening up a New Game+ for each full completion of the story mode, going up to 9 new modes.  Each progressive play-through makes it easier to get harder to find Borgs as well as giving access to crystal, silver, gold, and black versions of Borgs that have altered health values.  The voice acting is also very poor quality.  You may end up loving it for it’s goofy charm, but if not it will quickly grind on your nerves.  There is also little in the way of music with only a handful of songs that you will be hearing constantly throughout the game.

Overall, Gotcha Force is an underrated title that didn’t get as much notice as it really deserved.  The gameplay is solid and there is loads to do with an extensive single player experience as well as an intense multiplayer mode.  If you can find a copy I recommend picking it up and giving this Gotcha Force a try.  I certainly wasn’t disappointed when I did.

Gotcha Force

Pros

+Fast and exciting combat

+4-player Multiplayer

+Tons of different Borgs to collect and battle

+New Game+ adds loads of replayability

Cons

-Voice acting and repetitive music can get annoying

-Little to do once you’ve collected all of the Borgs

Overall

4/5

Some franchises can do the whole “multi genre” bit, such as the Mario and Sonic franchises. Others simply can’t. Mega Man Soccer proves that a rather intriguing concept can be botched if your development team cannot come to grips with what kind of product they are developing. For some reason, there’s almost zero separation between your player and the defender, causing a constant battle of possession, rather than any semblance of a soccer simulation. Each characters powers seem to want to work whenever they feel like it, which basically reduces this game to the lowest common denominator….which comes right back around to having zero separation between the player and defender at anytime. You’re stuck with a weak as a noodle kick, a pass that gets constantly picked off, and a kick that’s supposed to “clear” the ball away, yet flies directly to your opponent. Even when you get the ball down field and have possession for more than five seconds, Mega Man Soccer is so utterly bland, you’ll want to give up before the first game is over. With some lackluster visuals and poor audio, combined with the frustrating and bland gameplay, Mega Man Soccer adds absolutely nothing to the mascot sports genre.

For a soccer game featuring such a robust cast of characters, Mega Man Soccer is devoid of all life.

Rating: 3.5

Video games with an open world usually offer a wealth of activity and scenery that you’ll come across within steps of any direction you take. Some titles, such as Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, contains what seems like an endless world around you, with activity isolated to the more populated areas of the map. Others, such as Mafia II on the Xbox 360, offer a modestly sized game world, with a main story that’s engaging enough (though has its issues) to keep you from straying from the path of the main plot in order for you to get an in-depth look through the city you’re driving through. Unfortunately, the storyline doesn’t completely mask the fact that the city of Empire Bay is as deprived of activity and life as a vacant lot.

While the open world available to you isn’t as big as a Rockstar title, there’s enough bulk to Empire City (yet another bastardization of New York City) to feel as if you’re far from completely exploring the world around you. On a visual note, the two different seasons that you’ll encounter Empire City, both reflect a city with enough care and attention to detail, that it stands out as one of the more visually pleasing game worlds in this current generation. A minor fault to the visual presentation lays with the landscape. Understandably, there’s a bit of repetition when it comes to building designs in a small area. It’s nothing something you’ll come across within every city block, but you’ll notice it when you stumble upon it.

Character models run into a minor stumbling block on occasions, mostly during during any cut scene that utilizes in-game models for the storytelling. Facial details, from birthmarks to five o’clock shadows, all have a careful crafting to them, but for some reason, facial textures begin to show some odd deformations. It’s nothing drastic, but seeing an iron mesh-like textural sheen does detract somewhat from an otherwise pleasant character model. Vehicular and character animations are smooth, with only a few quirks here and there, though nothing that adversely affects the gameplay.

2K did a rather commendable job with the vehicular controls in Mafia II, although some will have fits for the similarities between Grand Theft Auto IV and Mafia II’s car based mechanics. Every vehicle you come across has a noticeable weight to it, with handling not changing overly much unless you pick up a hot rod or one of the brawny vehicles, like a truck. You’ll have to slow down on each turn if you want to make it without careening into pedestrians, mailboxes and parked vehicles. It’s definitely not going to sit well with everyone, however it does work well for what it’s intended. Moving Vito Scaletta, Mafia II’s protagonist, has a few hangups here and there, mostly in regards to a bit of a tank-like turning while moving around, and the cover system.

The way the cover mechanic is laid out feels a bit counter-intuitive. Pressing A near cover will latch you onto said cover, but instead of pressing away on your analog stick, you have to press A once more to detach yourself from said cover. It just doesn’t feel natural enough to have to press A a second time to dip off of your cover. Moreover, there are occasions where you’ll suffer from a similar issue that plagued Transformers: War for Cybertron — although there was no cover system installed, it seemed like no matter where you were behind an obstruction, enemies still had a decent chance at picking you off. This happens more often when you’re behind a short barricade than anything, as the very top of your head always seems to be exposed to the AI’s rather generous accuracy.

One interesting aspect to the controls comes from the close quarter combat bits you’ll either run into, or initiate by shoving certain people. The camera comes tight into both you and your adversary, putting up their dukes and battling it out with nothing but their fists. While the elementary combat system leads to fights that feel like you have complete control over, the camera has some issues keeping up with the action. Both combatants will pace about constantly, forcing you to move the camera along constantly. There’s also a few quirks with the x axis camera work, as it seems to move a bit too high when you’re only trying to pan the camera to the left or right. While the CQC can get old relatively fast, the simplicity to it is very much a welcome thing, as most games within the genre forgo any proper fighting mechanics of this nature.

If there’s something 2K did considerably well with Mafia II, it’s the audio package. From the classic tunes and radio chatter on the radio stations in your car and apartment, to the vocal delivery for each character you encounter, 2K put together an overall audio performance that gives a further immersion into the game world. While a few of the supporting cast have a bit of an annoying pitch to their voices, you can distinctly tell Italians from greasers and so on.

The one thing that should matter the most to a title such as this, has some uneven feelings to it. After the story begins with a brief narrative about a young Vito Scaletta and his scheming friend Joe Barbaro, you’re actually given control of Vito while he’s deployed for battle in World War II. After a failed robbery landed Vito in jail, he was shipped overseas to do battle, which would have been explained nicely via cut scenes. Throwing Vito from the frying pan into the fire as a form of a tutorial, could have been better served during the scene where he returns back home to Empire City, especially since subtle tutorials still pop up during this time. It feels so out of place and unnecessary to have to play through, and can really sour a first impression. The whole overseas segment acts as a minor plot device that comes into play soon after returning home, though to be frank, it’s not a major story changing event.

Landing back in Empire City, you return home to your mother and sister, who both welcome him home with open arms. Soon after, you’ll see your sister run across some brooding thug, out for something out of her, which introduces you to the CQC portion of Mafia II, and which could have served as a full fledged tutorial in a setting more appropriate to the story. After you beat the thugs face in, your sister reveals that your father, who passed away, took out a rather sizable loan that they have not been able to pay back. After you meet up with your old friend Joe Barbaro, he reveals that he knows how you can make some quick, sometimes bloody cash. Without much of a choice, Vito begins his money making quest, which eventually turns into more than he’d bargained for.

Throughout the course of the game, which barely manages to reach 12 hours on a single play-through (this is dedicated solely to the storyline, with no deviance from it), there’s a bit more inconsistency that comes about. Like the opening piece, there’s another instance in which you’ll have a significant change of venue. To elaborate more would only spoil some of the developments, but in a non-spoiler description, you basically go through a major transition that will throw you off from the fact that you just started getting comfortable with your surroundings. This leads to a chapter that has absolutely no combat whatsoever, with Vito acting more as a driver and a babysitter than a man trying to make some money. Although the drive home provides one of a handful of hilarious moments, the inconsistencies with the games pacing build up slowly, though in general, the story will keep your interest until the very end.

Speaking of the end, in a non spoiler description, during the third act, developments become so interesting with certain actions going down, the last scenes make you gasp and wish for an extension to the story. Hopefully 2K can deliver some DLC that will take off after the events of that rather impressionable ending, because they’ll really hook you in at the end, and leave you hungry for more.

As a whole, the story, especially the final chapters, are captivating enough that you’ll bypass any other optional goals, sight seeing and so on, just to see what will unfold next for Vito. The truth of the matter is, yes the story is worth playing through Mafia II at least once, but it tries to, and fails miserably, at masking the fact that Empire City is devoid of activity.

There’s just not enough variation to the shops and activities that you can engage in. There’s only so many times one can visit a clothing store that offers pretty much the same threads throughout, with the same decor as well. There’s no plausible use for a Gas Station, as they act more like a plot device than a necessity. Gun shops are helpful, though in general, you can get away with using a default handgun and any ballistics acquired from a body of your adversaries. Diners and bars offer health replenishment via food and beverage purchases, which you won’t really need, as either you’ll find food laying around during longer missions involving gun battles, or staying behind cover long enough when you’re low on health will regenerate just enough health to get you to the end of the mission. Finally, body shops have some value, if you wish to hold onto one or two vehicles throughout the course of the game and repair it when you all but total it, change the rims, license plate number and color. There’s no real urge to go out and take charge of your own destiny, as there’s so little to do, even the most mundane of sandbox activities, such as carjacking, is something that doesn’t even feel necessary.

You can cut down the games length by an hour, maybe even two, due to the vast amount of padding thrown in. Constant long distance drives just to initiate a chapter’s end, or extend a chapter that probably should have ended ten minutes prior, become quite aggravating. Most sandbox games have this padding in place, however it might just be the dull city you are playing in that enhances the annoyance factor of the needless driving from point A to point B, then to point C so you can drive back to point A so you can finally reach point D just to end the chapter. One chapter near the late portion of the game involves doing a job, which has a complication involved. You’ll drive away from Joe’s house to go to sleep, be called to a bar to pick up Joe after a drunken tirade, have another complication right before you take Joe home, drive Joe back home, drive the same vehicle to a car compactor, and then drive back home once again. This needless plodding can get extremely tiresome, and is an unpleasing way of artificially extending the games length. Without it, you can breeze through Mafia II in 9-11 hours, but with it, you’ll get 12+. It’s a lose/lose situation.

Police AI seems to be a bit erratic as well. The wealth of police vehicles and street walking law enforcement at any given time forces you to abide by the rules more often than you might have wished to. However, the selective memory of the AI, as well as the timing of their appearance during a major plot point, can cause some massive headaches. One instance saw my vehicle careen into a pedestrian, killing them instantly, as a squad car was a mere 10′ ahead of the situation, totally unaware of the murder I committed. Thirty seconds later, after traveling two miles over the speed limit past a cop car, sirens go off and the pursuit begins.

Being forced to drive slowly past police vehicles will hamper certain missions in which you need to drive cross city in order to meet a time sensitive objective. If the cops are after you, the game requires you ditch them completely before you’re allowed to hit certain checkpoints in certain missions. Sometimes you’ll be chased by the fuzz up to a checkpoint, where even if it’s a multi-star pursuit, not only do the police completely vanish, but your wanted level zeros out. On rare occasions, a police car will spontaneously appear out of thin air, initiating a chase due to your speeding antics.

With regards to longevity, with the lack of interest, deviance and variety offered by Empire City, there’s no real point to staying in town after the credits roll. As with most sandbox titles, you’ll have optional collection based tasks, such as Wanted posters sprinkled throughout the city. If you’re a sticker for getting a 100% completion rate to every game you play, you might find a reason to stay longer, though the utterly dull city will not feel so welcoming after a while. Need another incentive? Throughout the game you’ll find fifty Playboy magazines hidden in unsuspecting areas, or sometimes right in front of your face. We’re not talking random magazines with indescribable covers….we’re talking collectibles that, when picked up, immediately display a high resolution picture of a naked woman. While the secondary collectible task is definitely a plus for attempting to add replay value, it seems rather pointless to stumble across the sewers, have jets of sewer water sprayed all over you, only for you to stumble forward three steps and have a pair of breasts pop up on screen. While you shouldn’t be playing these games around young children anyway, Mafia II is one you’ll want to play when the little ones are off to dreamland.

When it comes down to whether Mafia II is worth playing or not, the short answer is “definitely”. The story, which is not without its inconsistencies in pacing and patience, provides enough thrills and drama to keep you hooked until the end. Unfortunately, one significant reason why you’ll stick with the story from beginning to end is because Empire City lacks life, luxury and a reason to explore. That’s not to mention the amount of padding in terms of driving all the way back to your home base to end the chapter. Put this at the top of your Gamefly list for sure, but once you’re done with the story, which isn’t quite that long to begin with, there’s no reason to go back for more, until the DLC sometime in the immediate future.

Rating: 7.0

Today’s focus will be on The Return of the King on the Gamecube.

After a disappointing novel based adaptation, as well as a movie tie in to the first two Lord of the Ring films, it seems as if these once touted Lord of the Rings video games were a bit over-hyped. It seems as if this mighty trilogy was nothing but a bust in video game land. That is, until The Return of the King — the one Lord of the Rings title that manages to not only right many of the wrongs that the first two titles made, but add in something that was pretty much missing — enjoyment.

Lighting! Use of bright, drab-free colors! Return of the King manages to right the visual wrongs scribbled by The Two Towers.

Visually, Return of the King is above and beyond the first two titles combined, with some impressive texture work, stronger character models, cleaner animation and a world around you that literally feels alive. The same blend from cinema to in-game graphics occurs every so often, with a more impressive look to it. Backgrounds are no longer bogged down b a thick layer of darkness and muddy colors; even the darker toned stages have proper lighting and color treatment to them. There are some moments of slowdown when you’re really neck deep in enemies and you’re trying to finish them off, but it’s not substantial enough to ruin the flow.

The spine tingling musical score featured in the box office smash of the same name, makes an appearance here as well, as well as a better vocal performance across the board. Even the swordplay, arrow shots and magic blasts have a more quality laced tone to them. This audio performance augments the visual presentation so well, that you really do feel like you’re in the middle of each battle you’re partaking in, from the looks and sounds of it.

The gameplay contains quite a few improvements, however it’s still hampered by one massive fault that’s barely addressed — the camera. While The Two Towers’ lack of a controllable camera nearly plunged a sword into the heart of the experience, Return of the King manages to create better transitions between new segments of the map than the previous title. The problem is that it’s still a massive challenge in its self to catch an enemy on the screen when you desperately need to. They do not hide in the very corners, out of camera view anymore, but still manage to evade your field of view.

The playable cast of characters expands as you complete the game, although they really don't feel much different from each other.

Combat has received a boost in the form of a lenient AI and a more coherent parrying system. While most enemies are hard to parry due to their attack speeds, it’s infinitely more responsive and possible to perform them here. Combos, melee and ranged attacks feel a lot more natural and don’t meet with constant enemy parrying, making for more of a hack and slash experience. Having a host of playable and unlockable characters helps change up the look and mood, however the combat diversity between them is negligible.

It’s probably not a big shock to know that the video game version of Return of the King is the most enjoyable of the three, as the third movie was arguably the favorite of fans of the series. EA managed to craft together a title worthy of the license, for better or for worse. While the omission of any sort of camera control was a blow, the action packed into this disc, the rich detail and quality audio work does help lessen the blow. If you’re looking for a hack and slash with quality, definitely pick up a copy of Return of the King.

Who Won The Battle Of….

Visuals - Return of the King
The atmosphere around you is rich with detail in both scenery and character alike. While the light-hearted tone of Fellowship of the Ring held some commendable scenery, textures and character models needed work. The Two Towers had some major darkness issues that dimmed any hopes of winning this battle.

Audio - Return of the King
Fellowship of the Ring had some commendable musical pieces, though the vocals felt disjointed and rushed at times. The Two Towers had the iconic music, but the vocal performances in game suffered periodically. Return of the King felt direct and proper for the most part, from in-game voices to cut-scenes.

Gameplay - Return of the King
Clear cut winner. The AI wasn’t abusive nor lax. Combat felt fluid and engaging, without a hint of boredom.

Replay Value - Return of the King
From unlockable characters to a more enjoyable experience across the board, Return of the King has more incentive to rejoin the battle soon after you win. The boredom of Fellowship of the Ring and hare-brained AI antics of The Two Towers are off-putting enough to do a “one and done” with them.

Fellowship of the Ring Rating: 4.7
The Two Towers Rating: 5.5

….And The Winner Of This Comparison Series Is….

Return of the King Rating: 7.8
Final Notes

Who knew that the battle for Middle Earth would suffer in translation to the real of video gaming? Years ago, The Two Towers was touted as a success by many, however even for its time, it failed on many accounts. The Fellowship of the Ring had promise, thoguh the delivery seemed to have gotten lost in the mail. While Return of the King has some inherited issues from The Two Towers, it had a far and away better production value than the previous two games combined. It’s good to know that at least one game managed to capture enough of the Lord of the Rings universe into an enjoyable video game package.

Bioware Licensed Mass Effect 2 action figures were unveiled not too long ago at Comicon. When I read an article describing these “highly detailed and fully articulated action figures” I became aroused; physically and mentally.  I looked my dog in the eyes, and told her that if she loved me, she would buy them. Always wanting to know she’s getting the most bang for her buck, she insisted I look through the  gallery to make sure they are of the quality we’ve come to expect of everything Bioware.

I began with Mordin and Thane; their figurines are pretty impressive. I just knew that I needed the whole set after seeing them, but the dog insisted I keep looking.  I was freaking ecstatic when I read that Garrus, my favorite character, was finally getting some promotional lovin’… But then… I actually saw his plastic counterpart; it’s fucking horrific. I… I can’t…. There isn’t…. Why…? Just… witness this… sin against god for yourself.

Artist's interpretation, or abortion? You decide.

The proportions are wrong, his armor is wrong and apparently the creator never actually saw Garrus’ face . What the hell? I guess I can give whomever molded these things a break, because Turian physiology is pretty goofy. I told myself that at least Shephard and Tali are hard to fuck up. You would agree, no? If you do, you are WRONG. How god damn hard can it be to mold a generic human male, and a (basically) human chick with a mask? Pretty regoddamndiculously hard I guess.

NO MOAR FAPPAN!

The only bits that are correct are the gender, and that there’s a mask. It’s so off base that I WTF’d my pants when I saw it. If I remember correctly, some weirdos out there are in love with Tali, and want to make crazy sexy alien babies with her. Because she’s female, and has some “sexy” curves. Sorry guys, Tali’s apparently pregnant with Saren’s babies, and her pink maternity clothes  just don’t accentuate “dem” hips. Also her mask is now pink. Makes sense that she would accessorize, I guess.

Now, explain to me how the toy makers created decent replicas of Thane and Mordin, two incredibly weird and detailed characters, but couldn’t make a convincing Commander Shephard. I’m still boggled by this. As far as I know, his face wasn’t based on Chris Brown. Maybe I’m wrong.  Here’s a picture of Chris Brown in N7 Armor for you to look at in all it’s visual glory.

What does Shephard do when the dish washer stops working? HE HITS HER.

See what I did there? I made a Chris Brown joke. Get it?

After seeing these travesties, and ranting about them on Facebook, someone mentioned how terribly inaccurate the Bioware Licensed Dragon Age swag was. I decided to skip on over to Bioware’s Dragon Age: Origins store. Indeed, the tip was correct. The posters sold on Bioware’s official website bare the (supposed) likenesses of Morrigan, Sten and Leliana.  None of these posters’ representations look anything like their video game counterparts. Curiosity spurred me on to the official Mass Effect 2 store.

Guess what I found there, I dare ya! More posters featuring terribly inaccurate representations of their most popular characters . Do you see a recurring theme here? Bioware is draping the words Dragon Age: Origins and Mass Effect over month old, crusty piles of dog shit, and selling them, tons of them; for outrageous prices too. How could selling quality shit possibly affect them adversely???

It's a meeeee, acceptably shitty unlicensed Mario plushie!

I’ve seen some lame merch before, but for the most part, it isn’t licensed or endorsed by the actual IT holder. I don’t understand how people expect to sell this shit, but it’s at least acceptable when made by a fanboy’s. What Bioware’s doing is insulting us, the people keeping them in business and keeping them from starving to death. Also driving Lambos and living in mansions.

Oh yeah, if the word on the street is correct, Bioware’s decided to make Dragon Age 2 Mass Effect: Medieval Times. Cool.

There you have it. Bioware hates you. They hate me too. In fact, they hate everybody. Cool.

I realize that two (or more) completely different divisions handle game creation and merch/sales, but I still think this is pretty shady. Quality control is a big part of any business. Their games are (in my opinion) awesome, and I hope they don’t end up going down the same road.

What’re your thoughts?

I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL BIOWARE. YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME!

The Lord of the Rings trilogy has been the inspiration for many video games and other related media. When Peter Jackson did a film adaptation of the cherished book series, movie goers went in droves, both new to the series, as well as long time fans. The franchise made such a huge splash in theaters and garnered so much positive press, that it was nominated for thirty Academy Awards, and won seventeen of those nominations, with Return of the King landing Best Picture. With the across the board success of Jackson’s film adaptation, the typical movie cash in video games were released. While The Two Towers and Return of the King followed closely to the movie and were published and developed by Stormfront Studios and EA, Fellowship of the Ring was based off the source material, as well as developed by a totally different company (Surreal Software) and published by Black Label Games. Will the first title, sticking closer to the source material, be the best of the bunch? Will the EA developed and published title Return of the King be the one to bring glory to your controller? Perhaps Two Towers, developed by Stormfront Studios, tower over its peers? One Game to rule them all, One Game to….ohh you know! Lets find out as the Comparison Series takes a look at the Lord of the Rings trilogy, from Fellowship of the Rings (PS2), The Two Towers (Xbox) and Return of the King (GC). As always, on the final day of the Comparison Series, a winner will be selected for Visuals, Audio, Gameplay and Replay Value, as well as the scores for each title, with an overall winner selected.

Today’s focus will be on The Two Towers on the Xbox.

The Two Towers and Return of the King games were developed to follow the movies of the same name, rather than the books by JRR Tolkien. With Two Two Towers, oddly enough you start off with the opening piece from the Fellowship of the Ring film, and are thrusted directly into battle, without warning, during the battle with Sauron. In fact, this is more of a mix between The Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers films, as stated on the box. Could Stormfront Studios produce a superior Lord of the Rings title thanks to its free use of the first two films and their location and soundtrack?

With the audio, you can definitely hear some of those Academy Award nominated musical pieces sprinkled throughout the game. During cut-scenes or during battle, you’ll be propelled forward by some of the best tracks from a movie, implemented into a video game. The voice overs from the cut-scenes, which are all lifted from the first two films, are all appropriate and unchanged, however listening to the in-game vocals, whomever they hired to portray each character does a really iffy job. Either they’ll sound enough like them, randomly drop their accents or just sound nothing like their movie counterpart. Although the inconsistency isn’t rare, it’s not enough to totally throw a wrench in the the audio as a whole, as the sound effects are fitting and as mentioned earlier, the music is captivating from top to bottom.

This is a slightly brighter look to the dark, gloomy nature of the visuals.

The Two Towers has a bit of a hitch with its controls. The lack of camera manipulation is a crushing blow, as you’ll encounter numerous moments in which you desperately need to shift the camera as much as 180 degrees in order to see an off-screen foe that chose to run to a corner that you cannot see. This is a severe enough handicap to really hurt you from beginning to end. It feels like the AI is aware of the games lack of camera controls, and does its best to evade your field of vision. Moving a character around also proves to be a bit too swift. Combat has some issues with its delivery. Oftentimes you’re enemies will parry everything you deliver and counterattack right away. Whenever you parry an attack, they seem to be slightly out of reach, making you whiff a swing of two. Combat as a whole isn’t as fluid or entertaining as it seemed from previews. In fact, even on easy, it gets downright aggravating when you’re trying to attack one enemy, and another is hopping towards you, attacking you relentlessly. Trying to parry usually results in the enemy coincidentally halting their attack, you whipping the parry and the enemies just go on and beat the living crap out of you.

The graphics share the unfortunate mixed bag that contains the audio. There are moments where you’re presented a movie clip directly from one of the first two films, and then you’ll witness a transition from FMV to in-game models, which is quite with an admirable success. It’s the oppressive lack of light and lighting as a whole that really darkens an otherwise brightened game world. So many of the earlier portions are casted in a predominance of dark and muted colors. The character models on friend and foe alike are quite faithful to the films, with a fluid enough animation driving them. The scenery holds enough detail as well, but the transition from film to game all but sucked out the color variation and lighting as a whole. Many of the scenes during the movie were dark yes, but this is overdone in The Two Towers, to the point where you’re manually raising the Brightness and Contrast setting on your television or monitor just to get a clear perspective. Eventually the scenery brightens up some, but there’s still too many dark spots, with shadows looking a bit too shady.

You will pull your hair out during this iconic battle. Between avoiding clubbing blows, a dozen enemies and the lack of camera control, you will want to hang yourself with your controller cord.

Unfortunately, The Two Towers suffers from a wealth of nagging issues that really brings down the fun factor. The overly dark look, unfair controls in correlation with the enemy AI, the occasionally shifty voice overs and lack of no frills entertainment really hold back would could have been a massive success. While there are numerous issues with The Two Towers, it’s still build much better than The Fellowship of the Ring, with stronger music and more detailed visuals. Hopefully act three will be the one that portrays this franchise in the proper way.

Check back tomorrow, where we’ll take a look at Lord of the Rings: Return of the King on the Nintendo Gamecube, as well as select a winner for Visuals, Audio, Gameplay and Replay Value, along with the scores for all three games.

Today’s focus will be on Fellowship of the Rings, on the PS2.

An early in the life cycle release on the PS2, Fellowship of the Ring was to follow the source material closely. Naturally, the narratives and dialogs are performed with vocal cues to add more of an immersion to the experience. The voice actors are well suited for their rolls, although Gandalf doesn’t convey enough emotion through what he speaks. The birds chirping around the more populated or forest areas add a layer of authenticity to the world around you. The soundtrack feels quite appropriate, almost soothing at points. It’s a well put together audio presentation.

Character models reek of early PS2 detail, or lack thereof. Thankfully they do animate well when on the move.

Fellowship of the Ring paints a pretty plain picture with its looks. Animation wise, it’s pretty strong with no real stuttering or random drops out of the blue. It does look pretty low budget how you’ll spin slowly back and forth if you’re literally in the middle of a conversation between two NPC’s. Lip syncing is pretty poorly implemented, although around the time it was released, There’s a decent amount of detail about, but nothing that screams “high production value” or anything. With such simplicity to the visuals as a while, its a wonder why there’s no on screen map when you need it. Especially early on in the game, you’ll struggle to find where you go right away, wasting time in the process.

You’ll notice a lot of similarities between Fellowship of the Ring and The Ocarina of Time, as they both feature a third person gameplay, a lot of early running around through a town and such. Unfortunately, these aspects that are present in FotR really bog down the pace of the game, making you wish you could just skip through to see the rest of it. Given the fact that load times are pretty atrocious, reaching upwards of 20 seconds per load, you may just give up your journey before you even begin in.

While this might look gripping, the combat in Fellowship of the Ring really is anything but.

The combat and controls have a real clunky feeling to them. While normal running controls have no hindrance towards your journey, jumping feels all but useless, with its limited height, giving you an inability to clear certain slow level obstructions. Throwing rocks to distract certain enemies that lay in wait is a good idea that is executed poorly. Melee attacks work as they should, although there’s really no feeling of satisfaction when attacking an enemy. While Link feels like a force to be reckoned with when he attacks (even as young Link), swinging and attacking here doesn’t feel as potent.

While it starts off a little too slow in an overall sense, Fellowship of the Ring never really tries to change the pace up and be something that it had the potential of being — a mildly entertaining hack and slash adventure title based around the novel. Even though the audio portion is well structured, with some rather inspired backgrounds, the lack of proper texture work, wonky combat system and slow, drawn out pacing will more than likely cut short your adventure. Hard to really justify a purchase, even if it’s below $5.

Check back tomorrow for the next part of this Comparison Series, where we’ll take a look at The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers on the Microsoft Xbox.

Month number one was alright – downloaded a bunch of free backgrounds, used my discounts a little, and even got a game I would have paid a full fifty dollars for.  I also got a few of the pretty awesome “Minis,” one of which was Age of Zombies which I highly recommend for the hilarious dialogue.  The free game of the month was Wipeout HD, which was a sweet racing game that reminded me of F-Zero with an item mechanic.  Not a bad combo at all.  This month my opinion of the PlayStation Plus service was a solid 8/10; I got my money’s worth, played a game I might not have otherwise, and even got a bunch of cool (if tacky) content that would have cost more than a month’s subscription anyhow.

Month two was more of a bore, which isn’t great for the second month of a service – few more Minis, nothing spectacular.  A lone early game demo of a game I don’t really have interest in.  One more background.  A few discounts.  An ancient PS1 game as their free game of the month.  All in all the second month was a bit of a yawn; nothing really jumped out at me, and there wasn’t really much variety in the content offered.  This month my opinion of the PlayStation Plus service was a 5.5/10; I wasn’t impressed, but wasn’t really that let down, either.

I have no real indication as to what month three will be like – at this point I feel as though I’ve paid for a year’s investment in the video game lottery, randomly receiving potential gems amongst things I wouldn’t waste my time with, even for free after the subscription.  Another unfortunate consequence of the lackluster second month: I’m terrified that the PlayStation Plus is just an elaborate marketing ploy designed as one more way Sony can make money off of content nobody really cares about otherwise, or is so outdated that everyone had already lost interest.

Month three is almost here, and I’m hoping to see something higher than a 6/10 this month.  I think Sony would do well to incorporate a system of choices when it comes to the freebie games; rather than a single game and couple of Minis each month, perhaps they could finagle a system in which you are allowed to choose one free game from a selection of several, and a certain number of free Minis selected from a selection of many.  This would certainly solve all the issues I had with month two, and make me feel a bit more comfortable with the investment; a little more solidarity in guaranteeing me I will enjoy the content offered would do wonders in convincing me to re-subscribe right off the bat.  As it stands now, I’m about to enter the birthday month – let’s hope for some good stuff in my Plus box to help me celebrate.

For several generations of gaming, each console would have a designated “mascot” to help give their system an identification. A character and franchise that would help mold what consumers would envision when their system is mentioned. While gamers have seen how successful it is to have a character that is synonymous with the system at hand (Mario with Nintendo, Sonic with Sega), many seem to forget one specific mascot and the failures of the system he was affiliated with — Bonk, and the TurboGrafx 16.

Bonk was the face of a then up-and-coming 16 bit platform, the TurboGrafx 16. The system was supposed to be a 16 bit console that was superior to the likes of any other console out on the market at its time. Unfortunately, developers did not flock to this console, and the games featured, failed to resemble anything within the realm of 16 bit power. Bonk’s Adventure was the first of a trilogy of titles on the system. Being the “face” of the brand, you would think there would be a meticulous care in crafting this particular title. Given the systems track history, it was not the case.

Taking place in prehistoric times, Bonk is a caveman of sorts, in a 2D platform world, involved in a cliched storyline of a princess needing to be rescued from her captor, which is a King. Granted this plot device was one of the most abused aspects of gaming back in the days, it’s not necessarily a detraction from the package. Unfortunately there were no real strides to carve out their own identity, meshing together little innovations with a myriad of cliches.

Would it matter if I said that this was the highlight of the game?

Bonk cannot stomp his enemies, but rather “bonk” them with his head. He can either do this while standing next to an enemy, or jump in the air and unleash a head drop on his foes. One of the problems that occurs with the ground based assault is the fact that you need to be so close to your enemy in order to eliminate them. The reuse time lags enough to allow an enemy to slip by and deliver a hit on you. Aeriel attacks will leave you momentarily stunned, once again leaving you in harms way. Overall movement control works well, and the ability to change the height of your jump based on the length of time the button is pressed down, is a commendable addition that helps somewhat with the pace and command of the gameplay.

Bonk’s Adventures graphics lack any distinction from any of the lesser powered systems, such as the Sega Master System, or the NES. They are on par with the best the NES have to offer, or the least impressive Sega Genesis game you can find. Texture details retain a look found in 16 bit titles, yet the character design, backgrounds and overall stage layouts are so elementary, they fail to impress. The audio is a true mixed bag. While the sound effects lack the pop and power you’d expect, the music contains a couple of pretty rock solid tracks, with the composition of those preferred tracks coming off as some of the stronger 16 bit tunes out there. Sadly, it’s only a select few tracks, as the majority of the rest are about as entertaining and soulful as furiously shaking a can full of pebbles.

The demise of the TurboGrafx 16 can be attributed to a plethora of factors. Unfortunately, Bonk’s Adventure is the face of failure, both for the systems inability to garner a strong enough following, and for the game its self lacking any important distinctions to separate its self from a sea of 2D platform titles. The gameplay has faulty elements, the graphics manage to feel dated and the audio is a stone short of a rock slide. While there are a few gems to be found on the TG-16, Bonk’s Adventure is no diamond in the rough.

Rating: 4.6