Bioware Hates You (And Possibly Everyone Else)

I want all my readers to know that I woke up today, much like every other day, a huge fan of Bioware. I love pretty much every game they’ve squeezed from their loins, but a few random  discoveries have led me to question this allegiance.

Bioware Licensed Mass Effect 2 action figures were unveiled not too long ago at Comicon. When I read an article describing these “highly detailed and fully articulated action figures” I became aroused; physically and mentally.  I looked my dog in the eyes, and told her that if she loved me, she would buy them. Always wanting to know she’s getting the most bang for her buck, she insisted I look through the  gallery to make sure they are of the quality we’ve come to expect of everything Bioware.

I began with Mordin and Thane; their figurines are pretty impressive. I just knew that I needed the whole set after seeing them, but the dog insisted I keep looking.  I was freaking ecstatic when I read that Garrus, my favorite character, was finally getting some promotional lovin’… But then… I actually saw his plastic counterpart; it’s fucking horrific. I… I can’t…. There isn’t…. Why…? Just… witness this… sin against god for yourself.

Artist's interpretation, or abortion? You decide.

The proportions are wrong, his armor is wrong and apparently the creator never actually saw Garrus’ face . What the hell? I guess I can give whomever molded these things a break, because Turian physiology is pretty goofy. I told myself that at least Shephard and Tali are hard to fuck up. You would agree, no? If you do, you are WRONG. How god damn hard can it be to mold a generic human male, and a (basically) human chick with a mask? Pretty regoddamndiculously hard I guess.

NO MOAR FAPPAN!

The only bits that are correct are the gender, and that there’s a mask. It’s so off base that I WTF’d my pants when I saw it. If I remember correctly, some weirdos out there are in love with Tali, and want to make crazy sexy alien babies with her. Because she’s female, and has some “sexy” curves. Sorry guys, Tali’s apparently pregnant with Saren’s babies, and her pink maternity clothes  just don’t accentuate “dem” hips. Also her mask is now pink. Makes sense that she would accessorize, I guess.

Now, explain to me how the toy makers created decent replicas of Thane and Mordin, two incredibly weird and detailed characters, but couldn’t make a convincing Commander Shephard. I’m still boggled by this. As far as I know, his face wasn’t based on Chris Brown. Maybe I’m wrong.  Here’s a picture of Chris Brown in N7 Armor for you to look at in all it’s visual glory.

What does Shephard do when the dish washer stops working? HE HITS HER.

See what I did there? I made a Chris Brown joke. Get it?

After seeing these travesties, and ranting about them on Facebook, someone mentioned how terribly inaccurate the Bioware Licensed Dragon Age swag was. I decided to skip on over to Bioware’s Dragon Age: Origins store. Indeed, the tip was correct. The posters sold on Bioware’s official website bare the (supposed) likenesses of Morrigan, Sten and Leliana.  None of these posters’ representations look anything like their video game counterparts. Curiosity spurred me on to the official Mass Effect 2 store.

Guess what I found there, I dare ya! More posters featuring terribly inaccurate representations of their most popular characters . Do you see a recurring theme here? Bioware is draping the words Dragon Age: Origins and Mass Effect over month old, crusty piles of dog shit, and selling them, tons of them; for outrageous prices too. How could selling quality shit possibly affect them adversely???

It's a meeeee, acceptably shitty unlicensed Mario plushie!

I’ve seen some lame merch before, but for the most part, it isn’t licensed or endorsed by the actual IT holder. I don’t understand how people expect to sell this shit, but it’s at least acceptable when made by a fanboy’s. What Bioware’s doing is insulting us, the people keeping them in business and keeping them from starving to death. Also driving Lambos and living in mansions.

Oh yeah, if the word on the street is correct, Bioware’s decided to make Dragon Age 2 Mass Effect: Medieval Times. Cool.

There you have it. Bioware hates you. They hate me too. In fact, they hate everybody. Cool.

I realize that two (or more) completely different divisions handle game creation and merch/sales, but I still think this is pretty shady. Quality control is a big part of any business. Their games are (in my opinion) awesome, and I hope they don’t end up going down the same road.

What’re your thoughts?

I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL BIOWARE. YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME!