365//365: Day 091 – Final Fantasy VII (PSX) [Quickie]

Final Fantasy VI can be considered one of the greatest gaming experiences anyone could ever encounter. It had beautiful and memorable tunes, a cast of characters you felt were living and breathing people, and a story so gripping, you’ll wish it never ended. You can call Final Fantasy VI the model RPG — the one role playing game every developer aspires their release to be as memorable and beloved.

Unfortunately Square decided to take a huge dump on the series and release Final Fantasy VII on the Sony PlayStation — probably the most overrated and painfully flawed video games in history.

FFVII has the most inconsistent visuals ever witness in gaming as a whole. One second, everyone has stick arms, fat fists and fat heads. Then during a cut scene, everyone looks human like, or what Square thought humans should look like. Not only that, but our main protagonist, Cloud, comes off as an emo child with no other character development. Also, how can anyone carry a sword that big, let alone swing it? Its as if Square wants us to suspend all belief for this title. Well believe me when I tell you — there’s a lot more tortures to this abomination of a video game.

The music is dreadful. None of it is memorable by any stretch of the imagination. Not only that, but why is the music in MIDI format? Why Square, why? In the age of CD format, why use the lowest common denominator? Piano cat can pull off better tunes than this embarrassment of a role playing game.

...how is anyone supposed to take this game seriously? Final Fantasy VII is more like a joke without a punchline.

The story is a convoluted mess of emo crying from Cloud, underdeveloped damsels in distress being murdered by a failed plot device with the most painfully nonsensical back story, a dog that talks, a guy with a gun for a hand (way to steal Evil Dead’s thunder and just barely twist the gimmick, guys) which culminates into one massive deus ex machina of biblical proportions. The Materia junction feature sounds workable in theory, but is nothing more than Final Fantasy VI’s espers, multiplied by however many open sockets you have in your armory. Can anyone decide whether FFVII is a blatant rip off of other established games and/or movies, or whether a classroom of lobotomized vultures just took a dump on their tables and called it a game?

In the end, Square really dropped the ball with Final Fantasy VII. It’s a inconsistent visual travesty, the MIDI music is completely forgettable, and the Materia system is about as close to plagiarism as an RPG can get (plagiarism against themselves, which is deplorable). This was the beginning of the end for the storied Final Fantasy franchise, and one of the most over hyped failures in gaming history. Seriously, if you ever find anyone selling a copy, slap them in the mouth, and then demand they flush this piece of waste down the toilet before they further dummy down RPG gamers everywhere. If you want an RPG on the PlayStation that contains gripping plot points, believable character developments and a fully fleshed out battle system, do not look past Beyond the Beyond to provide everything you’ve been praying for.

Rating: 0.4

April Fools!