365//365: Day 061 – Spawn: The Eternal (PSX) [Quickie]

Spawn: The Eternal was Spawn’s first trip into the world of 32 bit gaming. After having a passable 16 bit title, the world of Spawn has….

Okay, I can’t do this stock intro. I pride myself in being brutally honest when it comes to reviewing a game. I’ve tortured myself with some really bad games (Bubsy 3D, MK Mythologies) but Spawn The Eternal….this is honestly too painful to play for very long.

Why? First off, it looks like a total mess. It’s almost as if someone threw up all over my TV screen and the threw some confetti on top of it. Character models barely look humanoid, with Spawn looking more like a hunched back gorilla. There’s so much garbage colored pixelation within the scenery that it looks like I’m walking through a landfill. The music? There is no music unless I fight someone, and even then its barely audible. I doubt its my disc because it’s virtually flawless. When Spawn runs, it sounds like an AT AT stomping through the snowy blizzards of Hoth. I can belch out better sounds than this game, and it’ll almost look a lot better than the action on screen.

Trying to move Spawn around is like trying to push a submarine with a sheet of toilet paper. It’s a struggle just to do something so elementary. You run through stages (and I use the words “run” and “stages” lightly) without a cloak on, through a 3D area, and then get shifted to a 2D fighter perspective and controls when you encounter an enemy. Is this a third person game or a fighting game? Whatever it is, it’s torture on a disc. Finally, I get past one part of a stage, with no health left. I move to the next part of the stage, and die. When I hit the checkpoint, I have the same amount of health I first entered the section with, with no way to regain any health between me and the random enemy nearby.

I’m sorry, I’m not going to subject myself to any further torture. Spawn The Eternal is a spawn from the eternal pits of hell. Every aspect of the game is broken. There’s no need to elaborate past the last couple of paragraphs. There’s no need to even play this game at all. The only reason why it’s getting the score that its getting is because the cover art and inserts are pretty bad-ass. In fact, if they released the game with this cool cover art and replaced the disc inside the jewel case with a graham cracker, I would more than likely triple the score below.

Since I refuse to take a screenshot of this virtual toilet overflow, I'll provide you will a picture of how I felt trying to play this game.

Rating: 0.3