Ubisoft’s Epic E3 Fail

The first day of E3 started off with some amazing presentations from Microsoft and EA, and I was quite hyped to see what to expect from Ubisoft. However, this press conference turned into the snooze fest of the century and probably E3′s worst presentation ever.

Jole McHale comes out on stage and opens as the host for Ubisoft, in which he greets his “fellow nerds” and proceeds to talk about how he thinks he has the best job in the world. After many dry, unfunny jokes, they bring some French guys out to talk about a new online service that includes “U Shop, U Win, U Play” and all I could think of was “uPod, uPhone, uLearn good English.”

Avatar:

The first real feature of the night was James Cameron, (the creator of King Kong) to talk about his new game movie Avatar. I watched the projection above him waiting for exciting footage while he droned about how epic it was with its “Smokin’ hot action characters” “Space Marines” “Ten foot tall giants” and “Viperwolves” whatever that is. 38 minuets later I was feeling bad for people who had to sit through this, as he was still talking. Now we know why King Kong was so god damn long. Thank you James Cameron for such a riveting presentation, I will never watch your movie, and I want those 38 minuets of my life back. You owe me.

Red Steel 2:

Jole returns to make a joke about Ubisoft making a game featuring Lindsey Lohan, he could have been serious and it wouldn’t have surprised me. Next up was Red Steel 2 for the Wii. In the demo it featured a guy who was very into his realistic samurai slashing movements with his Motion Plus Wiimote. Let’s face it guys, I don’t know anyone who plays like that, wrist flicks suffice, you just don’t look cool playing with imaginary objects. Then they performed a live demo that included epic SLASH SLASHing and black loading screens. I wont even mention the snowboarding game World Stage.

Academy of Champions Football:

Next, famous soccer player Pele takes the stage to help promote the game Academy of Champions Football. They failed the trailer due to technical difficulties which forced Pele to talk about how he loves helping children of the world in Swahili while his nervous looking translator tried to convey it back to the audience. When the trailer finally played, it reminded me of Harry Potter mashed together with the look of Coraline.

Splinter Cell: Conviction:

Splinter Cell: Conviction followed up. Finally something interesting. They started off by showing a game trailer we had all already seen in the Microsoft presentation earlier in the day. Then a different trailer featuring two guys who look like they pose in their whitey tideys all day playing what looked like Command and Conquer on a Microsoft Surface table. Apparently it was for the iPhone and no, you do not get a big ass table with it. It might have been cooler if you did…

Tweens 2.0 and Your Shape:

Whoever decided to squeeze Tweens 2.0 and Your Shape in between Splinter Cell and Rabbids Go Home should be fired, well I mean aside from most of the production staff. Tweens 2.0, for all the 10yr old girls who tuned into E3 will soon be able raise virtual hamsters and e-order self made jewelry, because doing it in real life is no longer fun. Then when they hit 16 they can use Your Shape to work off the weight they gained by learning that you don’t even have to leave your house to do an activity.

Rabbids Go Home:

Producer of Rabbids Go Home, Adrian Fenandez Lacey introduces his new game by having some Rabbid furries run about on stage while he comes off as slightly insane. It was actually the only interesting thing in the whole production. The trailer opened by showing people who look like cuter versions of Miis going about their boring daily lives, when the main character is greeted by a Rabbid in a grocery store shelf with a resounding “DAAAAAAAAAAAH”. Adrian shows us live game play with a small Rabbid, demonstrating the level of abuse you can inflict with your Wiimote. This led me to going “Hey, I really want that game.” He reassured the audience by saying “He loves it.” Most of the game play involves your Rabbids going around with a shopping cart and collecting things, explosions, general havoc, good game if you ask me.

Assassin’s Creed II:

Finally they decide to end the coverage with a look a Super Teenage Mutant Smash Brothers. Which I will also skip describing, it’s okay I’m just sparing your sanity. Then… after a long wait… An Assassin’s Creed II trailer makes it to the screen, it is however, all CG and tells us nothing of how the game will actually look. Hopefully it will be close to the quality of the CG as the first game’s graphics were pretty impressive.

Hopefully next year they will decide to premier more of their top games, have people who can speak English without a heavy accent so we can actually understand them, have all their trailers up and ready to go, and stop promoting to their non existent pre-teen girl audience.